The Hall & Oates song plays in my mind, “She’s gone, she’s gone, oh I, oh I, I’d pay the devil to replace her…” Backed up by, “I’m being followed by a Moon shadow, a moon shadow, moon shadow…” Sounds like gibberish, but my head feels like salad put into a blender. Hit the button full shred. Obliterate the ingredients, liquefy the solid, and maybe it will be easier to swallow. However, death is not going to be easy to swallow. Nope. Another thought pops in and the tears fall. An object, a scene, a life, all of it poised between me and the ether that now contains my little girl.
I think, “Be strong, pray to God, read the good book, your faith will pull you through.” It’s gotta work, right? That is what I would recommend to someone else, that is what I have championed before. It does help for a few minutes, but close the book, and boom, the pit where my heart used to reside is void like a black hole. How can that be? I’ve lost pets before, but never has it felt like this. Who even wants to read about this? Probably no one, but if I don’t put a release valve on my thoughts to let out the hurt, I feel like I will die right along with her.
My beautiful girl. Never has a soul reached so far in to touch my own. And now that she is no longer on this earth, I have to forge ahead without the rock I’ve leaned on so many times over the past fifteen years. The extra months were a bonus, the gift of caring for my elderly girl who needed me to go the extra mile. Until she left, I didn’t realize how much my tending to her was tending to me; to prepare ME for the inevitable. Ah, there it is again, the Hall & Oates song………followed by Cat Stevens, Moon Shadow. Maybe that is my soul’s way of comforting my brain, by filling it with noise to quell the sound of my breaking heart.
I’m not going to say that no one will understand, because I think we ALL understand. We understand that people, animals, MOMENTS, all live and then die. We try and fool ourselves into thinking that death isn’t around the corner every second of every single day. If we thought about how thin the line is that separates us from being here and being GONE, we would all go crazy. Maybe we are all crazy and coming here is a way to fine tune the soul for only God knows what. Because, honestly, only God does know ‘WHAT’ each of us must face – life and death whether we want to or not.
By grace can we enjoy the dance and put on the blinders that shield us from death the next time we choose to love. I love you Moon Shadow, I always will. But I’m going to have to tuck you away. I need to put you in that little corner of my heart, so that I can face new days without your beautiful face, regal nature, and all the other things that made you so special to me. I know the energy that is YOU has dissipated and bonded with the spark of LIGHT that makes up life. I’ve been THERE, but I know you know, because now you are HOME.