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She’s Gone – 1/7/2018

The Hall & Oates song plays in my mind, “She’s gone, she’s gone, oh I, oh I, I’d pay the devil to replace her…”  Backed up by, “I’m being followed by a Moon shadow, a moon shadow, moon shadow…” Sounds like gibberish, but my head feels like salad put into a blender. Hit the button full shred. Obliterate the ingredients, liquefy the solid, and maybe it will be easier to swallow. However, death is not going to be easy to swallow. Nope. Another thought pops in and the tears fall.  An object, a scene, a life, all of it poised between me and the ether that now contains my little girl.

I think, “Be strong, pray to God, read the good book, your faith will pull you through.” It’s gotta work, right? That is what I would recommend to someone else, that is what I have championed before. It does help for a few minutes, but close the book, and boom, the pit where my heart used to reside is void like a black hole. How can that be? I’ve lost pets before, but never has it felt like this. Who even wants to read about this? Probably no one, but if I don’t put a release valve on my thoughts to let out the hurt, I feel like I will die right along with her.

My beautiful girl. Never has a soul reached so far in to touch my own. And now that she is no longer on this earth, I have to forge ahead without the rock I’ve leaned on so many times over the past fifteen years. The extra months were a bonus, the gift of caring for my elderly girl who needed me to go the extra mile. Until she left, I didn’t realize how much my tending to her was tending to me; to prepare ME for the inevitable. Ah, there it is again, the Hall & Oates song………followed by Cat Stevens, Moon Shadow. Maybe that is my soul’s way of comforting my brain, by filling it with noise to quell the sound of my breaking heart.

I’m not going to say that no one will understand, because I think we ALL understand. We understand that people, animals, MOMENTS, all live and then die. We try and fool ourselves into thinking that death isn’t around the corner every second of every single day. If we thought about how thin the line is that separates us from being here and being GONE, we would all go crazy. Maybe we are all crazy and coming here is a way to fine tune the soul for only God knows what. Because, honestly, only God does know ‘WHAT’ each of us must face – life and death whether we want to or not.

By grace can we enjoy the dance and put on the blinders that shield us from death the next time we choose to love. I love you Moon Shadow, I always will. But I’m going to have to tuck you away. I need to put you in that little corner of my heart, so that I can face new days without your beautiful face, regal nature, and all the other things that made you so special to me. I know the energy that is YOU has dissipated and bonded with the spark of LIGHT that makes up life. I’ve been THERE, but I know you know, because now you are HOME.

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{ 10 comments… add one }

  • Kim January 21, 2018, 8:50 am

    Thanks Erich, you are so right. I was going through photos just this morning. It’s been almost three weeks and I still feel like I’ll be seeing her come through the doggie door any minute. I loved (love) her so much, tears fall with a single thought. I will rescue another in time, Luvkin misses his ‘sister’ and needs a playmate, but there will never be another like Moon Shadow. As you know, each one makes a mark in our hearts and to say we recover from the loss is not true. We simply learn to live with a new hole.

  • Erich January 8, 2018, 5:24 am

    I wish I had words of comfort. Words are meaningless right now. Except to say I’m sorry and I share your grief. Rest peacefully, Moon Shadow. You are loved forever.

  • Kim January 8, 2018, 5:08 am

    Kimberly, our blessing is having each other to lean on. If everyone knew the story behind the loss of your own two little ones at almost the same time they would be amazed by the strength and grace that you have shown. Thank you for everything.

  • Kim January 8, 2018, 5:02 am

    Lou, I’m really do appreciate your kind words and your smiling face is missed as well.

  • Lou Ann Lott January 7, 2018, 9:44 pm

    Dear Kim, My heart is breaking for you. There is nothing like loosing your furry soulmate. They are such a huge piece of our hearts. As always your words are so eloquent, I love reading your writings. Hang in there kiddo, time does help a little. Love you and miss your smiling face. Lou

  • Kim Westrich January 7, 2018, 8:02 pm

    I just have three words. I get it. 😥💔

  • Kim January 7, 2018, 6:26 pm

    Chris, I appreciate your thoughts and words, thank you

  • Kim January 7, 2018, 6:25 pm

    Sandy, thank you for your kind words

  • Sandy McClernon January 7, 2018, 5:50 pm

    Oh, Kim. I know words can never really help at times like this but I do feel your pain. Your words about your pain be cause is the death of your furry friend takes me back to 2002 when my little furry best friend said goodbye to this world. I fell apart. I have never felt a grief or loss profound as when my little Greta died while I held her. She loved me unconditionally and the first in my life to ever have done so. People didn’t understand my loss, my grief, my pain but I didn’t care. It was mine alone as is yours. Grieve as you must and as long as you must. She will always be a part of you. Hold her love in your heart. The pain doesn’t leave you just learn to live with it. Peace and prayers for you.

  • Chris January 7, 2018, 5:41 pm

    Kim, I am so, so sorrowful for you and your painful loss. I so dread the day that I will have to face this same seemingly impossible to accept, distraught time when I may lose my beloved Hershee. I wish I could help the pain to dissipate from your beautiful soul much quicker than it will, but I know that I can’t and I can only image how that pain must be almost overwhelming to you. If there happens to be anything I could do for you please reach out to me and I will be there for you.

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